Cyclists

Cyclists are people who ride bicyles, but not all people who ride bicycles are cyclists.

See, you can ride a bike. That's fine. It makes a lot of sense. Like, it's a good way to get to the grocery store or work, and it's a nice way to ride around the paths in Acadia.

What's not OK are 'cyclists' -- wealthy guys in effing spandex everything and sponsor jerseys on $1500 bikes riding in packs like they're in the fucking Tour de France thinking they're badass athletes. These guys are so effing lame. It's like, man, you're not freaking Floyd Landix or whoever that guy was, and also, cycling is lame.

Why Cycling Is, On Its Face, Lame
Riding a bike is not lame, but cycling is.

The thing is, are you trying to get exercise? Because the entire point of a bicycle is to make it easier to get around using your own body's power. This is why it makes sense to ride one to the coffee shop -- because your goal isn't to get exercise, it's to get to the coffee shop.

If you're trying to get exercise, doing so by using a device whose soul purpose for being is to reduce the amount of energy it takes to move around is completely retarded.

Also, bikes are basically toys, right? Like, if you're 8, you want an XBox and and a bicycle. Except a cyclist's bicycle costs like as much as a used car, and that's before all the fucking stupid shoes and shit. So at best it's a hobby for rich people, and all rich people's hobbies are lame (golf, polo, car collecting, etc.) but really, it's a toy.

Why Everyone Hates Cyclists
Cyclists think they're hardcore, but really, if they were hardcore, they'd run. Like, when I see a lady jogging with one of those running strollers, I'm like, 'Shit, that is hardcore.' But riding a bike? Really?

Cyclists are assholes because they disrespect both pedestrians and cars.

Like, cars are dicks to everybody, but we already know that people driving aren't trying to prove anything because they're fat and stupid. Runners can be dicks to pedestrians, sometimes, but they're only so big and so fast, so they can't really be too bad. They can be assholes to cars, sometimes, but cars deserve it.

Cyclists act like they own the fucking road and they're on the hill stage and there's a group of 8 of them but also they think that they should get to blow through crosswalks and shit like they're not a vehicle. They're going too fast to ask you to get out of the way, but they're too slow not to clog the fucking road -- which then makes cars more dangerous to pedestrians and runners.

And they refuse to actually be in the road when they come up to a runner (who has to be on the side of the road) because they're really fucking scaredy cats. The fact is, if a bike is riding toward a runner on the same side of the street, if the biker passes them on the curb side, the runner should push them off their fucking bike. You're a goddamned vehicle, asshole. Get on the fucking street.

Oh, and on sidewalks? Fuck that. Cyclists should be shot for riding on the sidewalk.